There is no "I" in "Japan"*

The Japanese word for "I" has four syllables: wa-ta-ku-shi. Kind of a cumbersome word in conversation, and they hardly ever use it. Where we would say "I am going to school" in English, they would simply say "going to school," with the reference to first person being implied. Whenever I have a Japanese conversation, my American-ness really shows in that I tend to want to use the watakushi word a lot. Scott often reminds me to drop it, and then I feel so self centered for having used it in the first place. We Americans value our own opinions so much, we start a large number of our sentences with "I." I want, I heard, I think...

I (har) have been thinking a great deal about the Japanese culture lately, in light of reports on how they are handling the earthquake/tsunami tragedy as a society. My heart just goes out to them as a people. What is the death toll at now? 8,000? It is horrific to see the tragic human drama going on over there, and inspiring to see the stoic way the people are cleaning up. Maybe it's weird to say, but I feel sort-of, well, proud of them. Not to condescend in any way; it is an admirational variety of pride.

Last November, Scott and I found ourselves lodging in the French Quarter of New Orleans. We did lots of the typical tourist stuff while there and had a great time. But even though it has been over five years (I know, crazy, huh?) since Hurricane Katrina, people there are still talking about it. The French Quarter is as beautiful and charming as ever, but the people are clearly still traumatized, and so is much of the infrastructure of the greater New Orleans area.

We drove through the Lower 9th Ward and saw much of what you've undoubtedly seen on the news- lots of boarded up homes, and empty lots with nothing but driveways that once lead to attached garages. Occasionally we'd see holes in the roofs of the condemned houses, which I didn't think much of, until it was called to my attention that such a hole had been the only exit for a family trapped in the attic of their flooded home.

There is no question the victims of Hurricane Katrina suffered unimaginable trauma. Many long-time residents have fled, and the economy still hasn't recovered. If my research is accurate, the final death toll was 4,081.

In the heart of New Orleans there is a Katrina museum where you can follow the events from storm to social breakdown. It was hard to be reminded of the tragedy and ensuing fiasco. No matter who you think was at fault for not getting aid to people sooner, I'm sure we all wish we could have seen the united efforts of survivors the way we're seeing them in Japan. Where they've lost twice as many people. Where they've not just suffered one natural disaster, but two. Where they are experiencing the second greatest nuclear nightmare in their history. Yeah, it was also unbearably hot after Katrina. Sendai has been covered in snow. Enough said.

Are we doing enough to prepare ourselves for natural disasters? Are we prepared mentally to simply be civil in an emergency? Could we turn off "Dancing With the Stars" for 15 minutes to come up with a plan for our own families? Are we in the U.S. doomed to expect Katrina scenarios after our future earthquakes/volcanoes/hurricanes/tornadoes/you name the disaster? We know these things are on the way, which is why I'm so worried...

So back to no "I" in "Japan." The recurring reminder in every news report and video clip coming out of Sendai is that every survivor, every aid worker, and everyone cleaning up is "working for the greater good." A survivor being interviewed on NHK (Japanese t.v. network) today stated "we all have to help each other. What else can we do?" I guess no one has suggested looting or brandishing arms to her yet.

We've got it in us to pull together, and our history proves it. Maybe we should remind ourselves of that more often, and add some extra patience, common sense and brotherly kindness to our 72 hour emergency kits.

Kudos to the Japanese. I just hope folks over here are paying attention.

* Unless of course you are writing "Nihon" or "Nippon." Then again, in the Japanese alphabet there is no letter "i." Whatever. Just go with me on this.

What About Bob?

What About Bob?
This is an unusually long blog post for me. Contents may be disturbing to some readers. Oh well.

The photo below, dignified representation of my family though it may be, is sadly lacking the presence of our newest member: Master Robert! (And the title "master" is not at all inappropriate here. This kid has the whole family wrapped around his pinkie toes.)

I believed we had another little boy coming to us for a couple of years before Bobby was born. I'm not one of those amazing mothers who dream about unborn children or instinctively "know" someone is missing. A friend, however, who I am convinced has a special gift, compensated for my lack of intuition. This friend informed me, at the funeral of my daughter, that my unborn son had been constantly by my side.

I've decided to share this very personal story because it has brought so much comfort to me to know I am surrounded by loved ones I cannot see. I have shared it with a few friends and family members, and their responses have ranged from a hesitant "hmm, that's interesting," to an ecstatic "I love stories like that! I totally believe in that stuff!" My own husband isn't sure where he stands on this subject, and is clearly uncomfortable with my degree of interest in it. I accept that about him, and anyone else who is a skeptic. All I can say is, this happened to me, and I have faith that it was real.

In 2005, I was involved in a series of classes addressing natural ways of eating and healing/preventing disease, taught with a Christian perspective. I was then and still am a faithful patient of modern medical practices, but because this class was in my neighborhood and I had friends attending, I decided to join. The classes were interesting, though the meals served were sometimes odd. I enjoyed the discussions and camaraderie with both friends and people I wouldn't otherwise have had occasion to associate with.

The subject of caffeine was raised one night. We were advised of the many ways it is detrimental to healthy living, and reminded that we are primarily in control of our own caffeine intake. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum, I went on a rant about how I couldn't possibly keep up with my four kids without the help of Diet Coke. Something along the lines of ...my youngest wasn't even walking, and I couldn't imagine being a suitable mother for the children I had on my own strength, and how could the mothers of big families survive without caffeine, and I better not have any more kids!

The teacher of the class, the friend I referred to earlier, looked at me and laughed. My eyes widened, because I saw in her laughter the implication that she thought I had more kids on the way. I think I said something like, "don't even suggest it!" I think I was actually angry, as though her words would jinx me and I'd become pregnant from the mere mention of the prospect. She smiled apologetically, and told me she thought I had "some more coming."

"Some?" I questioned, figuring that as even one more child was beyond my consideration at the time, more than one was unfathomable. She raised her eyebrows and shrugged her shoulders. That was pretty much the end of that uncomfortable encounter. I'm not sure if I walked away from that night's class more upset that I had been called on my Diet Coke issues, or worried that maybe I was supposed to have more children; and how could I possibly do that?

Class was canceled the following week, and I had put the episode from my mind. In the interim, I was going about my normal routine when one day I realized I hadn't been paying attention to the calendar, and frankly, I was late. Having been very careful during the previous month I didn't think much of this, but when I found myself at a dollar store on one of the days after the realization, I picked up a pregnancy test just to put my mind at rest.

What I discovered when I got the results floored me! All I could do was pick up the phone, call Scott and say, "I'm looking at a positive pregnancy test." After a considerable pause, Scott replied with an enthusiastic "well, congratulations, dear!" We both laugh about that moment now. I'm so glad Scott had the correct response, because I was freaked out enough for both of us!

In the days leading up to the next class I was filled with anxiety. I had come to terms with the idea of being pregnant, but was terribly lacking in confidence about my ability to "keep it all together" with five kids age 9 and under. This was my first "surprise" pregnancy and it had completely rattled me.

I don't remember much about the topics of the next class, but I do remember anxiously waiting for everyone to leave at the end so I could get a moment alone with our teacher. When I did, I simply questioned her as to why she was so confident I had more children coming. Her response was, "because you have a little girl dancing and playing around you and sitting in your lap, and a little boy standing in the background."

I was utterly shocked and a little excited at this suggestion. I blurted out "well, I'm pregnant!" Neither of us had known this fact when we had last spoken. We smiled together and marveled at the crazy circumstance, and I grilled her with questions about what she had seen. Her feeling was that it was the little girl who was about to be born. Of course I asked if the presence of two children necessarily meant I would definitely have two more (still an impossibility in my mind). Her reply indicated not necessarily, but probably. In my mind I went with "not necessarily." He was probably the spirit of a cousin or uncle or friend just escorting her here.

Skipping to 2007, after having almost one whole year of enjoying my cheerful, pleasant, beautiful little daughter, I found myself at the loathsome occasion of her funeral. We were overwhelmed by the love of friends and family who came to offer comfort to us. The mention of "my son" was unexpected and oddly comforting, but it was an idea that was difficult to process while I was engulfed in grief and unable to think of much else. I had learned, however, to pay attention to what my friend had to say.

The following months are largely a blur to me now. I barely remember 2008 at all. I carried on to the best of my ability, and each time I saw my friend, she would mention that my son was around me, that he was aware that I wasn't ready for him yet. Scott felt there was another child for our family, also. People of course were asking me if I would consider having another baby, and occasionally I would tell them, "yes, I have a son coming," but I let everyone know that I wasn't going into a pregnancy fueled by grief. I looked forward to meeting my son, but wanted to be ready.

So, here we are now, almost a year-and-a-half after Bobby's arrival. He has been nothing less than a joy to have in our home. From my first doctor visit I spoke with confidence about the son I was expecting- even told the ultrasound technician before the machine had been turned on.

This is not a testimonial of psychic powers or a suggestion that everyone find a clairvoyant friend for guidance. My friend always acknowledged that any gift she might have could only be from God, and having studied the "gifts of the spirit" mentioned in the New Testament, I can accept that. I also don't mean to suggest that only pre-mortal loved ones are around us, having had other sweet experiences involving loved ones who have passed. My only hope in sharing this story, whenever I share it, is to give comfort to others through a reassurance that God has a plan for us, our families and loved ones are a part of that plan, and mere mortality cannot fully separate us.

Still here!

Happy New Year 2009! Happy New Year 2010! Happy New Year 2011! I'm a pathetic excuse for a blogger, but I don't want this blog to sit in cyberspace with no indication that its author's life has "gone on." In upcoming days, I hope to have something of value to share here, but for now, here's to survival. :)

Well, inspired by Lesley and Valerie's cute blogs, I have decided to come out of hibernation to post a little about the Pioneer Trek. It was amazing. The youth were great. The food crew hooked us up most triumphantly. Wildlife: saw antelope, prairie dogs, amazon flies and mosquitoes and 1 bloated dead cow- heard coyotes and rattlesnakes. I felt a kinship with my pioneer ancestors that I hadn't experienced before, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Well, maybe in a few million heartbeats- after I've rested up a bit.
You can see the rest of my trek photos here.

This is a pathetic excuse for a blog. Here is my Halloween photo, posted one month after Halloween. But here are my excuses:
My car was broken into.
My purse was stolen.
I was in charge of Young Women In Excellence.
I put on a birthday party for Wesley's 11th.
Wesley got his Arrow of Light.
I had to help Abby with her Reflections project.
We attended the Reflections assembly; Abby won 1st for choreography.
I had to get a new driver's license.
I had to spend lots of time at the bank.
I'm one of the only non-pregnant women in Scott's family.
Christmas shopping.
Classroom volunteering.
Music lessons and recitals.
Christmas light hanging.
Fruitless potty training.
Result-less carpet cleaning.
Pooper-scooping.
Far too many online scrabble games.

Okay, so not so much a list of excuses as a recap of the last month. Thank heaven for a life that is keeping me busy.

I sneezed today, and Ian said "bless you." I'm sure none of my other 3 year olds ever thought to say this. What he lacks in potty training skills, he certainly makes up for in politeness. (Yes, he occasionally thanks me for changing his diaper.)

The pictures below are courtesy of Uncle Kenneth. Abby Competed in the Las Vegas Highland Dance Association's competition last Saturday and was awarded "Most Promising Dancer." We're just a wee bit proud!

Thank Heaven for kids.Andrew started kindergarten this month.
We hung out with cousins.
Abby started violin lessons.
Wesley's working his tail off in 5th grade.
Ian's tongue is getting looser.
Welcome fall!

Here are a few photos from the big trip. Not wanting to bore anyone to death, I've chosen mostly people shots.

Spent our first day in London after 5,000 hours of travel. Managed to stay awake for most of the bus tour.

In Stamford with Avril and Kay. Humanitarians haven't made much progress there, as the gallows maintain a presence in the town center for public entertainment.









Drove up to Shropshire to the mere district, mere being old English for "small lake or pond." (Cole happens to mean "cabbage.") Spent a lovely afternoon walking in the woods that surround Colemere. Saw no cabbages but many gopher holes, ignorant of the bad omen this boded for our return. (Grumble grumble...)

Headed up to Val's next in Blackburn. Enjoyed amazing scenery and historical landmarks, including Whalley Abbey. (DON'T say "wally." They don't like that.) Also the most magnificent scone with jam and cream ever experienced on Earth. (That warranted a photo, but didn't get one.)

On up to Scotland via Gretna Green and Kilmarnock, AKA wild goose chase thanks to Miss Magellan, our trusty (har) GPS (or Sat-Nav, to use the UK vernacular).

Had beautiful days in Scotland staying with Aunt Jean and Uncle Ralston. Took a cruise on the Waverly,




saw Inverary castle,
the Cowal Games, and




enjoyed priceless moments with family.

Wesley and Abby loved meeting new cousins, Rory and Caitlyn (and baby Emma!). We were even in a parade all together! What can we say- the crowds love us. They even put on an incredible fireworks display at the waterfront in our honor. Despite acute cases of "piper's ear," we were all sad to leave. And now that Wesley has his chanter and Abby has witnessed the World Championships of Highland Dancing, they both have wonderful memories to inspire there practices.

How lucky we are to have such a wonderful family. We will never forget their love and hospitality.

What a trip!
We've just returned from our amazing journey to the UK. It was all-around wonderful, and the impact of it was too great to be summed-up in my wee blog. I knew before we left that it was a charmed vacation that was impractical and shouldn't have happened, but somewhere during our travels I was struck with a realization that, though my heart's greatest desire was unattainable right now, God blessed me with desire #2. I feel so blessed and remembered by Him.
Suffice it to say it was a joyful, educational, fun-filled and healing experience. Many thanks to our wonderful family members, at home and in the old country, who made it all possible for us.

Our contribution to the Canadian economy:



We attended the RUSH Concert last week. You can barely make out the rotisserie chicken ovens on the blurry-bright-light picture, blurry because Scott was busy shakin' his groove thang. A great show, and by the sound of things the fellers don't seem to have aged at all. We all just turned a blind eye to Geddy Lee's gray roots.

Oor Wee Champ So Abby took the beginners' trophy at the Payson Games: 2nd in Fling, 1st in Swords, 1st in Seann Triubhas and 1st in Lilt. No bad, eh?!


Wesley and his buddy Shane risked haggis for the first time today. Wesley thought it was "delicious!" We still haven't told him what's in it.

Who are they marketing to, anyway?
Today I served Andrew his lunch on a paper plate. He asked, "Mom, is this a Dixie plate?" He has been learning to read, and though I was surprised, I figured he had deciphered the word printed under his sandwich. He then followed with "is it stronger than ordinary plates?" We clearly need to monitor the t.v. viewing more closely in this house.

Ian and Andrew at Lagoon last week.

A picnic in the canyon, Campbell's baby blessing, Andrew's last T-Ball game, Abby's first dance performance and Wesley's piano recital. All nice ways to start June.

The WalkAmerica event was inspiring. Here is "Team Colemere" right before the walk, and right after Kristina announced she was pregnant! The timing was very appropriate. My personal page is still up on the March of Dimes website to collect donations. Many thanks to my kind sponsors!

I have decided to join Amanda, Katie and Kristina at the March of Dimes WalkAmerica event tomorrow at Wheeler Farm. If you would like to sponsor me, I have a pretty small goal and donations can be made at my personal page. I'm so glad to have constructive activities to help alleviate the grief.

Check out my bonny wee Abby in her new kiltie outfit. The Highland Games are coming up, along with her first dance competition on June 9th. I don't care if Abby places or not. She'll be the cutest one there, and I'm not biased. (snort.)
My apologies to Uncle Kenneth, who doesn't appreciate the fact that I have the Scottish flag hanging sideways.

Happy 1st Birthday, Annie!

It has been a day full of different emotions. I knew that it would be difficult, but I didn't want Annie's birthday to be an awkward day of only sadness. To try to bring a little purpose to the celebration, we decided to collect stuffed animals to donate to the Alta View Hospital E.R. to bring comfort to kids who are being treated there. We have very generous cousins and friends- we already have around 45 critters, and more coming!

We pot-lucked. We visited the cemetary. Allie sang with Jackson a beautiful song she had written. We released birthday balloons and had familiy prayer. Jeff gave us a printed copy of a song he had written called "Sweet Little Annie." Kristina brought the transcript of a comforting talk. It was a meaningful day, and we remembered Annie with love.

Little Annie caught a cold. Andrew had been very sick, Ian was sniffley. I took them all to the doctor, the doctor said to watch and bring Annie back if she still had a fever the next day. The next day we went straight to the ER, and two hours after our arrival, we stood on the helicopter pad next to our daughter when the Life Flight nurse said it was time to stop CPR. February 10, 2007. The worst day of my life in a nutshell.
A simple little memorial blog seems so inadequate when compared to the impact my sweet little bumble bee had on my life. She was a surprise blessing, and left just as unexpectedly as she came. Hallelujahs for the knowledge that God has a plan for Annie, and for the rest of us. We will have a joyous reunion one day.
Read Annie's Obituary.